"LOVE SEASON" IS HERE... OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I logged into Twitter today morning and Valentine's Day was trending already. I wondered why so early. Then somebody said me that Valentine's Week has started & it's Rose Day today. Then it struck me. Well they say it's the love season at this time of the year. If it is so, I thought why not look back at the past some years of my life and its stint with love.

 

 

So what is Love first of all? Not that I really know, but here is what I really think love is. Love to me is friendship. It is eternal, infinite, divine & spontaneous. It is to give your all to that one person, it can be day to day things, it can be feelings, thoughts, even those thoughts which we think is not relevant enough. It is to share, to love as much as to lower one defenses to allow the other person to love you. To care because you don’t know how not to. To give and not to expect in return. Yes the last bit hurts and why won't it, it's not easy to love someone and know he/she is never ever gonna be yours, its sad to know that you connect with someone as if it were a dream and it is just not meant to be. But what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to let them know how you feel.

Love is not as destructive as it is shown in movies, love is positive, it means to go on, it means to give and not be selfish, because if you give it a chance, love rescues you right back.

And my stint with Love??? Well, if you have hung around this blog for the past months or so, you pretty much know everything. We all have something to live our life around. Me? I have the most amazing woman. Who surprises me. Who makes me stop and wonder. She is full of grace and dignity, with abundant love just for me.

Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are just short stories it doesn't mean it’s any less filled with love. Its important to find the right reason to love and when you have found it, its important to cherish and nurture it because once lost, love will give you another chance but life wont. So love and let love!

Take care people and celebrate love, you need no Valentines Day to do it! :)

The Longest Night Ever

25th January 2012

10:44 PM - It has been one of 'those' days when the storm comes thundering in but passes with shuffling steps. A lot of things aren’t going 'right' right now. Nothing serious, just a series of tasks which ought to be simple, for various reasons, are anything but simple. Why life can be so complicated at times? I guess nobody has the answer to this question. I tweeted this on Twitter and got many replies but still I am not convinced.

I am frustrated. I am in pursuit, in transition, in meltdown, in a outstretched moment of wretched illogic. And I hiccup endlessly. The Senses as useful as fused light bulbs, the speech-bubbles over my head rubbed off with a cheap eraser. Behind this quiet face, lies a sea of insanity.  And what you all think of me might just be your imagination.

11: 20 PM - The Metallica song 'Nothing else matters' continued in loop. So close, no matter how far. Couldn't be much more from the heart. Never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way. The line lingers in my head.

11:51 PM - Still the song continues on loop. The conversation with her in the evening still plays on my mind. It felt like a punch on my chest and my heart almost stopped for a moment. There was so much languish in her voice.

26th January 2012

12: 32 AM - No sign of sleep yet. I try, but I can't. I tweet. I keep tweeting. I don't know exactly what I am tweeting. I guess I am discussing my paranoia. This night surely has all the ingredients of a sleepless one. What if the point of life is not what we think it is? What if it is not about the job we take, the money we make, the friend or people we keep in our lives or in fact the clothes we wear? Or what if the primary point of life is to just feel joy when happy, love when loving, anger when angry, thoughtful when full of thought? What if the point from the beginning has always been to simply experience and take life as it unfolds.

01: 29 AM - I lay in bed motionless. There was a brief discussion between the reasonable me and the unreasonable me.

Reasonable me: Don't worry. Relax. Everything will be fine. Have faith in yourself.

Unreasonable me: That's bullshit. Why sleep? When you have all night to worry about it.

And I toss and turn in the bed thinking what to do. When you can't sleep, life just happens to you. Too many weird thoughts come to your mind creating an endless whiff of cloud.

02: 47 AM - I crushed out the cigarette in my ashtray, exhaling one final puff. My watch told me its 3 am in the early morning. Had a look at the ashtray I saw around 7 sticks. They say each one takes 8 minutes off your life. I figured out I just lost 56. How even a single act of stupidity from a loved ones can ruin your whole night. I thought about it again & again.

03:45 AM - I put on one of her fave songs and it continues on loop.Ah! How much I love that song. I try to sleep. But still I get up every hour. I keep drifting in and out of sleep. I wonder what to do. I don't feel like tweeting. My hand stretches to the phone, but then I stop myself. Then wonder what to do. I don't feel like tweeting also. And a fool would we awake at this hour. The song continues in loop. I open her previous messages and start reading it. And keep reading again and again.

4:19 AM - The heavy cloak seems to fall off, I am feeling light again. I went to the balcony. Ah! It's cold. I could hear the asymmetrical winds. I removed each of those cloaks that was wearing me down this night. And set my mind on what I want. I always knew what I want. It's just one of those days when you hear something and get mad and worried. And I go to bed try to sleep.

5: 55 AM - I feel semi asleep. But then my phone rang. I was groggy with a headache. But it was one of my brother-in law from Kolkata. My favorite one. So I had to take his call. I took the call. And there was some happy news. He and my cousin were blessed with a baby boy. This is there second child. He already has a 8 year old boy. He wanted a girl. But nonetheless they were happy with the fact that he was a father again.

6:37 AM - I opened Twitter. I checked her profile first. Every time I do. No tweets yet. She was sleeping. Who gets up so early on a holiday anyway. People were wishing each other Happy Republic Day and stuff. I couldn't sleep anymore. So decided to update the blog for now.

8: 48 AM - Blog update finish. My friend asking me for going out for coffee as we are always lazy to make it and drink. So I guess this was the longest night ever in my life so far. It can't get any longer. Can it?

A thousand words or less?

I know it's been long since I have written something. The thing is that I have been so busy these days. Work and also many other things doing their rounds. I am literally tied with all these from all the four corners. Yes, Life's finiteness could be hard hitting, unnerving and may be sometimes depressing as well. So, today was again one of those days I sat down to evaluate life. I tried searching within myself as to what exactly I want. Never before I got an answer to this whenever I tried searching or asking myself. It's just that may be I never tried to find the answers with more effort. 

But today, I exactly know what I want and how to proceed to get what I want. But as my mother says, for everything there are always two paths. The easy path and the difficult path. The easy path may give you lots of happiness but that is temporary. Soon you will grief. And the difficult path as always is very difficult. It will test your mettle. But when it is over, everything will seem perfect. Even if things aren't perfect, at least the regret won't be there. I think she is perfectly right on this. Life surely doesn't get any better when you have an illusion of happiness covering your real happiness.

Once a friend who is into enlightenment and stuffs asked me what is sole purpose of your life? I have never before reasoned life for what I am here for. So I just answered him on the basis of roles I am playing at the moment. I am an individual first, then a son, a boy friend and then comes the role of a friend. Then he said, "this might be correct logically, but that's not the truth". Well I don't know, I am working on that. 

But for the moment I am happy. I am surrounded by some wonderful people. And I love them.  But for me, love is not always give & take. Rather I will give the best I can, in my way.

Why this post? Well people on Twitter ask me why I have become so serious these days. I do have my moments of seriousness. Everyone has them. That's obvious. Isn't it?

The You That My Love Has Composed

 Yet again I crave to write about you,
not having the essence of where to start.
I could start with how sweet your voice is,
that every time I talk to you,
I fall in love with you all over again,
It's pure love just for me.

I could say how beautiful your smile is,
that every time you smile,
It turns me upside down,
In which I could forever drown.
I have never seen a smile as beautiful as yours.

I could say how miraculous your eyes are.
I have seen the bluest of skies,
And rainbows that would make you cry,
But never seen such bright eyes,
that shine like diamonds.
I wonder when I'll see you in person,
And look into those eyes,
I will be bowled over.

I could say how exquisite you are,
full of grace and dignity,
with abundant love just for me.
I woke up today smiling,
As I know you are there for me.
And I hope many years from now,
I would still wake up with a smile,
for the same good reason.

A wish, a wait

I wish you were here with me,
then I would move my fingers upon your skin,
to mingle myself with you,
without disturbing your sleep,
without grabbing your attention,
simply to share your breath with mine.

I wish you were here with me,
then I would guard your being in my arms,
in my heart, in my blood, with my eyes.
I would look into your eyes,
and get lost for hours.
You would blush sometimes,
And not say a word.
But I understand your thoughts,
even before you voice them.

Am I dreaming,
or did reality sink in.
I am keeping faith,
cherishing this love so beautiful,
hoping against hope and waiting,
to calm the windstorm of time,
that might tear off our foundation.

But till then,
Till you are with me,
I think of you all the time,
and smile away to myself.
Everything points me to single turning,
and that turning has endless turns.
narrow that gives me no consolation,
The wait is getting longer & longer,
but it's worth the wait,
A wait, when it's over, will last for a lifetime.

30 on 30 : Catching Life

We live, we die. Even after 26 years I haven't yet fully understood the measure of life. But let me tell you I am learning it everyday. Anyways let's get to the point. Recently I have seen many people on Twitter were sharing  their "Bucket List". It struck me I should also. But a bucket list is things to do before you die. I have always been a person who believes in short term goals rather than long term planning. So I just thought why not make a list of 30 things to do before I get to 30 years old. I have been as much realistic with the things as possible because I really intend to meet up with these goals before I turn 30.

And it goes like this......

1)  Discover life's purpose

2)  Quit Smoking

3)  Not get married

4)  Sleep under the stars

5)  Ride a camel in the dessert

6)  See the Taj Mahal (No, I haven't yet seen this wonder of the world )

7)  Visit the Golden Temple, Amritsar

8)  Assemble a super gaming PC for myself

9)  Buy everyone a drink in the bar

10) Go on a cruise

11) Adopt an accent for an entire day

12) Meet all my Twitter besties. If not all then at least my best Twitter buddy.

13) Get an oil massage in Kerala

14) Go to Ladakh the highest plateau in the world

15)  Live abroad

16) Climb a high mountain

17) Take a weekend break more than 1000 kms from home

18) Save someone's life

19) Stay up all night & see the sunrise in the early morning

20) Get drunk on Absinthe

21) Fast for at least 2 days

22) Drive at more than 140mph

23) Sunset with the camels on the sand dunes of Rajasthan

24) Go to a strip club

25) Smash a CRT

26) Stay up all night listening to a girl having an emotional crisis

27) Change a baby’s diaper

28) Look up at the night sky through a telescope

29) See a total eclipse

30) Actually feel happy about life. 

Late Night Scribbles

My watch told me it's 3 AM. I was listening to this song, one of my old favorites. But these days I don't like that song anymore. It kind of haunts me. The feeling glides all over me, softly piercing my heart. Still the song continues in a loop.

I was thinking how could I make things better in my life. Yes, this is not the first time. Just one of those days or nights to be precise. I am standing at a threshold and few steps ahead awaits a phase of life from where in I have to grow up big time sharing responsibilities hand in hand or sometime all alone. May be it was time to get mature long time back and I could not extract this out of life at the right time. Do you ever feel like stranded on a cross road? Because of the choices I have made in life or the way I have executed them, I feel estranged.

If I could describe my life then it would be like a a rugged path on a mountain, you never know what's around the corner. If I could describe my life then it would create an endless whiff of cloud with trapped screams and partially buried secrets. Almost everyone who has known me at some point questions my recklessness and lack of future planning. For a future that might be atomic powered, graphite blended,  obstinate, antithetical and may be virtual in the real sense. I would rather live in the present.

I am seeking peace and I know it will come the day I will start doing something that gives meaning to my life. A purpose to my otherwise estranged life. I need to tread on the right path. The way towards happiness where a sense of achievement awaits me. If not anyone else, I want me to be proud of myself. 

This is the night I wanted to scream, but all that came out was a whisper.

U-turns are like, too personal

I am quite busy these days. And here I am trying to grip on the writing once I loved to do. Gone are those days when I used to do anything anytime. In the recent times things seemed radically different. It seemed that my perspective has changed more than anything. Everything around me felt more complex than what I remember them to be. Then I asked myself, was I really a part of this or things have just taken a U-turn? Not that everything is bad, but I didn't seem to fully comprehend or participate. It was beyond my control. Or may be I had turned lazy. But what made me so lazy? Climate? Work? Family? Friends? Not sure. But I think it's MYSELF.

I am not really a lazy person. I can get up at any odd hour and do my work. I also can work for almost 16-17 hours a day. But if I am asked to do something that doesn't excite me, believe me you won't even get a moment of attention or dedication from me.

I have always been the person who asks a lot of question. But at this time I am simply not able to form any questions. So I am playing the waiting game. Waiting till it passes.

And I waited and waited. Then all these things have finally made me realize that happiness is absence of sadness. I was running from myself in the past two years. I almost forgot to smile. But my insights forced me to face the truth. And one thing I have realized, it is actually very easy to smile. We only make it complicated. One doesn't need any reason to smile. All you have to do is 'Just Smile'. And life will be so fresh & nice. Life is not a race & I have realized that. So we need to be calm & strong but with a proud smile of enriched togetherness of lifetime. This past week has been a eventful one for me. And I am actually feeling good about life.

The way to smile may be long or short, difference lies in your perception.