Screaming Whispers

"LOVE SEASON" IS HERE... OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

2012-02-07T22:12:00.000+05:30

I logged into Twitter today morning and Valentine's Day was trending already. I wondered why so early. Then somebody said me that Valentine's Week has started & it's Rose Day today. Then it struck me. Well they say it's the love season at this time of the year. If it is so, I thought why not look back at the past some years of my life and its stint with love.

So what is Love first of all? Not that I really know, but here is what I really think love is. Love to me is friendship. It is eternal, infinite, divine & spontaneous. It is to give your all to that one person, it can be day to day things, it can be feelings, thoughts, even those thoughts which we think is not relevant enough. It is to share, to love as much as to lower one defenses to allow the other person to love you. To care because you don’t know how not to. To give and not to expect in return. Yes the last bit hurts and why won't it, it's not easy to love someone and know he/she is never ever gonna be yours, its sad to know that you connect with someone as if it were a dream and it is just not meant to be. But what hurts more is to love someone, and never find the courage to let them know how you feel.

Love is not as destructive as it is shown in movies, love is positive, it means to go on, it means to give and not be selfish, because if you give it a chance, love rescues you right back.

And my stint with Love??? Well, if you have hung around this blog for the past months or so, you pretty much know everything. We all have something to live our life around. Me? I have the most amazing woman. Who surprises me. Who makes me stop and wonder. She is full of grace and dignity, with abundant love just for me.

Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are just short stories it doesn't mean it’s any less filled with love. Its important to find the right reason to love and when you have found it, its important to cherish and nurture it because once lost, love will give you another chance but life wont. So love and let love!

Take care people and celebrate love, you need no Valentines Day to do it! :)

The Longest Night Ever

2012-01-26T08:54:00.000+05:30

25th January 2012

10:44 PM - It has been one of 'those' days when the storm comes thundering in but passes with shuffling steps. A lot of things aren’t going 'right' right now. Nothing serious, just a series of tasks which ought to be simple, for various reasons, are anything but simple. Why life can be so complicated at times? I guess nobody has the answer to this question. I tweeted this on Twitter and got many replies but still I am not convinced.

I am frustrated. I am in pursuit, in transition, in meltdown, in a outstretched moment of wretched illogic. And I hiccup endlessly. The Senses as useful as fused light bulbs, the speech-bubbles over my head rubbed off with a cheap eraser. Behind this quiet face, lies a sea of insanity. And what you all think of me might just be your imagination.

11: 20 PM - The Metallica song 'Nothing else matters' continued in loop. So close, no matter how far. Couldn't be much more from the heart. Never opened myself this way. Life is ours, we live it our way. The line lingers in my head.

11:51 PM - Still the song continues on loop. The conversation with her in the evening still plays on my mind. It felt like a punch on my chest and my heart almost stopped for a moment. There was so much languish in her voice.

26th January 2012

12: 32 AM - No sign of sleep yet. I try, but I can't. I tweet. I keep tweeting. I don't know exactly what I am tweeting. I guess I am discussing my paranoia. This night surely has all the ingredients of a sleepless one. What if the point of life is not what we think it is? What if it is not about the job we take, the money we make, the friend or people we keep in our lives or in fact the clothes we wear? Or what if the primary point of life is to just feel joy when happy, love when loving, anger when angry, thoughtful when full of thought? What if the point from the beginning has always been to simply experience and take life as it unfolds.

01: 29 AM - I lay in bed motionless. There was a brief discussion between the reasonable me and the unreasonable me.

Reasonable me: Don't worry. Relax. Everything will be fine. Have faith in yourself.

Unreasonable me: That's bullshit. Why sleep? When you have all night to worry about it.

And I toss and turn in the bed thinking what to do. When you can't sleep, life just happens to you. Too many weird thoughts come to your mind creating an endless whiff of cloud.

02: 47 AM - I crushed out the cigarette in my ashtray, exhaling one final puff. My watch told me its 3 am in the early morning. Had a look at the ashtray I saw around 7 sticks. They say each one takes 8 minutes off your life. I figured out I just lost 56. How even a single act of stupidity from a loved ones can ruin your whole night. I thought about it again & again.

03:45 AM - I put on one of her fave songs and it continues on loop.Ah! How much I love that song. I try to sleep. But still I get up every hour. I keep drifting in and out of sleep. I wonder what to do. I don't feel like tweeting. My hand stretches to the phone, but then I stop myself. Then wonder what to do. I don't feel like tweeting also. And a fool would we awake at this hour. The song continues in loop. I open her previous messages and start reading it. And keep reading again and again.

4:19 AM - The heavy cloak seems to fall off, I am feeling light again. I went to the balcony. Ah! It's cold. I could hear the asymmetrical winds. I removed each of those cloaks that was wearing me down this night. And set my mind on what I want. I always knew what I want. It's just one of those days when you hear something and get mad and worried. And I go to bed try to sleep.

5: 55 AM - I feel semi asleep. But then my phone rang. I was groggy with a headache. But it was one of my brother-in law from Kolkata. My favorite one. So I had to take his call. I took the call. And there was some happy news. He and my cousin were blessed with a baby boy. This is there second child. He already has a 8 year old boy. He wanted a girl. But nonetheless they were happy with the fact that he was a father again.

6:37 AM - I opened Twitter. I checked her profile first. Every time I do. No tweets yet. She was sleeping. Who gets up so early on a holiday anyway. People were wishing each other Happy Republic Day and stuff. I couldn't sleep anymore. So decided to update the blog for now.

8: 48 AM - Blog update finish. My friend asking me for going out for coffee as we are always lazy to make it and drink. So I guess this was the longest night ever in my life so far. It can't get any longer. Can it?

A thousand words or less?

2012-01-18T21:54:00.001+05:30

I know it's been long since I have written something. The thing is that I have been so busy these days. Work and also many other things doing their rounds. I am literally tied with all these from all the four corners. Yes, Life's finiteness could be hard hitting, unnerving and may be sometimes depressing as well. So, today was again one of those days I sat down to evaluate life. I tried searching within myself as to what exactly I want. Never before I got an answer to this whenever I tried searching or asking myself. It's just that may be I never tried to find the answers with more effort.

But today, I exactly know what I want and how to proceed to get what I want. But as my mother says, for everything there are always two paths. The easy path and the difficult path. The easy path may give you lots of happiness but that is temporary. Soon you will grief. And the difficult path as always is very difficult. It will test your mettle. But when it is over, everything will seem perfect. Even if things aren't perfect, at least the regret won't be there. I think she is perfectly right on this. Life surely doesn't get any better when you have an illusion of happiness covering your real happiness.

Once a friend who is into enlightenment and stuffs asked me what is sole purpose of your life? I have never before reasoned life for what I am here for. So I just answered him on the basis of roles I am playing at the moment. I am an individual first, then a son, a boy friend and then comes the role of a friend. Then he said, "this might be correct logically, but that's not the truth". Well I don't know, I am working on that.

But for the moment I am happy. I am surrounded by some wonderful people. And I love them. But for me, love is not always give & take. Rather I will give the best I can, in my way.

Why this post? Well people on Twitter ask me why I have become so serious these days. I do have my moments of seriousness. Everyone has them. That's obvious. Isn't it?

The You That My Love Has Composed

2011-12-26T10:57:00.001+05:30

Yet again I crave to write about you,
not having the essence of where to start.
I could start with how sweet your voice is,
that every time I talk to you,
I fall in love with you all over again,
It's pure love just for me.

I could say how beautiful your smile is,
that every time you smile,
It turns me upside down,
In which I could forever drown.
I have never seen a smile as beautiful as yours.

I could say how miraculous your eyes are.
I have seen the bluest of skies,
And rainbows that would make you cry,
But never seen such bright eyes,
that shine like diamonds.
I wonder when I'll see you in person,
And look into those eyes,
I will be bowled over.

I could say how exquisite you are,
full of grace and dignity,
with abundant love just for me.
I woke up today smiling,
As I know you are there for me.
And I hope many years from now,
I would still wake up with a smile,
for the same good reason.

A wish, a wait

2011-12-11T19:05:00.000+05:30

I wish you were here with me,
then I would move my fingers upon your skin,
to mingle myself with you,
without disturbing your sleep,
without grabbing your attention,
simply to share your breath with mine.

I wish you were here with me,
then I would guard your being in my arms,
in my heart, in my blood, with my eyes.
I would look into your eyes,
and get lost for hours.
You would blush sometimes,
And not say a word.
But I understand your thoughts,
even before you voice them.

Am I dreaming,
or did reality sink in.
I am keeping faith,
cherishing this love so beautiful,
hoping against hope and waiting,
to calm the windstorm of time,
that might tear off our foundation.

But till then,
Till you are with me,
I think of you all the time,
and smile away to myself.
Everything points me to single turning,
and that turning has endless turns.
narrow that gives me no consolation,
The wait is getting longer & longer,
but it's worth the wait,
A wait, when it's over, will last for a lifetime.

30 on 30 : Catching Life

2011-11-09T00:24:00.007+05:30

We live, we die. Even after 26 years I haven't yet fully understood the measure of life. But let me tell you I am learning it everyday. Anyways let's get to the point. Recently I have seen many people on Twitter were sharing their "Bucket List". It struck me I should also. But a bucket list is things to do before you die. I have always been a person who believes in short term goals rather than long term planning. So I just thought why not make a list of 30 things to do before I get to 30 years old. I have been as much realistic with the things as possible because I really intend to meet up with these goals before I turn 30.

And it goes like this......

1) Discover life's purpose

2) Quit Smoking

3) Not get married

4) Sleep under the stars

5) Ride a camel in the dessert

6) See the Taj Mahal (No, I haven't yet seen this wonder of the world )

7) Visit the Golden Temple, Amritsar

8) Assemble a super gaming PC for myself

9) Buy everyone a drink in the bar

10) Go on a cruise

11) Adopt an accent for an entire day

12) Meet all my Twitter besties. If not all then at least my best Twitter buddy.

13) Get an oil massage in Kerala

14) Go to Ladakh the highest plateau in the world

15) Live abroad

16) Climb a high mountain

17) Take a weekend break more than 1000 kms from home

18) Save someone's life

19) Stay up all night & see the sunrise in the early morning

20) Get drunk on Absinthe

21) Fast for at least 2 days

22) Drive at more than 140mph

23) Sunset with the camels on the sand dunes of Rajasthan

24) Go to a strip club

25) Smash a CRT

26) Stay up all night listening to a girl having an emotional crisis

27) Change a baby’s diaper

28) Look up at the night sky through a telescope

29) See a total eclipse

30) Actually feel happy about life.

Late Night Scribbles

2011-11-05T08:41:00.000+05:30

My watch told me it's 3 AM. I was listening to this song, one of my old favorites. But these days I don't like that song anymore. It kind of haunts me. The feeling glides all over me, softly piercing my heart. Still the song continues in a loop.

I was thinking how could I make things better in my life. Yes, this is not the first time. Just one of those days or nights to be precise. I am standing at a threshold and few steps ahead awaits a phase of life from where in I have to grow up big time sharing responsibilities hand in hand or sometime all alone. May be it was time to get mature long time back and I could not extract this out of life at the right time. Do you ever feel like stranded on a cross road? Because of the choices I have made in life or the way I have executed them, I feel estranged.

If I could describe my life then it would be like a a rugged path on a mountain, you never know what's around the corner. If I could describe my life then it would create an endless whiff of cloud with trapped screams and partially buried secrets. Almost everyone who has known me at some point questions my recklessness and lack of future planning. For a future that might be atomic powered, graphite blended, obstinate, antithetical and may be virtual in the real sense. I would rather live in the present.

I am seeking peace and I know it will come the day I will start doing something that gives meaning to my life. A purpose to my otherwise estranged life. I need to tread on the right path. The way towards happiness where a sense of achievement awaits me. If not anyone else, I want me to be proud of myself.

This is the night I wanted to scream, but all that came out was a whisper.

U-turns are like, too personal

2011-11-01T23:43:00.001+05:30

I am quite busy these days. And here I am trying to grip on the writing once I loved to do. Gone are those days when I used to do anything anytime. In the recent times things seemed radically different. It seemed that my perspective has changed more than anything. Everything around me felt more complex than what I remember them to be. Then I asked myself, was I really a part of this or things have just taken a U-turn? Not that everything is bad, but I didn't seem to fully comprehend or participate. It was beyond my control. Or may be I had turned lazy. But what made me so lazy? Climate? Work? Family? Friends? Not sure. But I think it's MYSELF.

I am not really a lazy person. I can get up at any odd hour and do my work. I also can work for almost 16-17 hours a day. But if I am asked to do something that doesn't excite me, believe me you won't even get a moment of attention or dedication from me.

I have always been the person who asks a lot of question. But at this time I am simply not able to form any questions. So I am playing the waiting game. Waiting till it passes.

And I waited and waited. Then all these things have finally made me realize that happiness is absence of sadness. I was running from myself in the past two years. I almost forgot to smile. But my insights forced me to face the truth. And one thing I have realized, it is actually very easy to smile. We only make it complicated. One doesn't need any reason to smile. All you have to do is 'Just Smile'. And life will be so fresh & nice. Life is not a race & I have realized that. So we need to be calm & strong but with a proud smile of enriched togetherness of lifetime. This past week has been a eventful one for me. And I am actually feeling good about life.

The way to smile may be long or short, difference lies in your perception.

Why life moves so fast?

2011-10-23T00:42:00.001+05:30

Yes, it's going to be one of those nights when I don't know what exactly I am feeling inside. I can be pretty weird at times, not realize what's going through inside me. It's like you feel as if you are invisible in the deepest recess of realm surrounded by emptiness all around you. It's 1 AM in the night and I am not sleepy. I am sitting near my window and watching the street lit with those orange light. There is this emptiness is the street I cannot define. It is the same place where I have lived since birth. Same place since 26 years of my life. Still they seem so unusual to me. I suddenly feel I am a stranger to this place. These roads are the same as they were in these 26 years. Then why suddenly they have changed? Why do I get the impression that the roads don't want my footsteps on them?

Life certainly can move so fast at times that you feel that you being left behind. These are the roads where I used to play when I was a kid. These are the roads where I would hold my dad's hand and go for a walk. I have fallen in these roads many times & got myself injured. But still after all these years they don't seem to recognize me. And I suffer in silence. I ruminate. I feel my existence is oversimplified. The whimpering builds up a mountain inside. And it floats down like a small tide of crimson.

I know it's such a small thing, like the tip of an iceberg. But still it means something to me.

Realization... and more realizations

2011-08-07T14:21:00.000+05:30

There are many things in life that we of-course take for granted. We go through our days without even thinking about some of these things, sometimes not even think what would happen if things were different. We almost never have time to get out of the box and see the gifts we received in life. To be honest, I have taken a lot of things for granted until I had the biggest realization of my life. But why is it always that something bad happens to teach us to appreciate what we have.

As days pass, I am deepened by realization of my life. The problems seem bigger now, with the most difficult situations. I know many of you would like me. Sometimes I would like to return to the time when the only person in my life was my father, the only best friend I had was my mother, and all the pain then could be healed by a band-aid and a lollipop.

People these days have become so mean and they are so good at faking. There is a saying which goes like this, "Never share your problems with anyone. 50% don't care; 50% are secretly pleased". Now I am believing this is very true. There is this friend with whom I share all my problems. But then again just today I came to know that she is talking behind my back and even talking that I am boring her by telling my problems. Huh!! What a bitch!! I am done with this... From now on I will remain silent and only discuss things with myself. People are so good at faking these days. My bad, my mistake. Don't share your problems with people who can't help you solve them or at least can listen to them. Today I have realized that sharing your problems with people who can't help you solve them and getting their support only enhances your chance of becoming a victim. For not necessarily I will be like them also. No, its against my ethics. I believe people are going to remember you for one of the two reasons, the problems you create or the problems you help solve.

As always, your comments are welcomed.

Insanity, I enjoy every moment of it

2011-08-02T11:53:00.000+05:30

Today morning I am feeling kind of insane, bizarre. So I decided to write something bizarre or lets say weird stuff. I was thinking which organs of mine to donate in case of my death and also let my family know about it.

I would want to donate all of them. But I don't plan on ever being dead, so this is kind of moot. But, if somehow something goes wrong with my plans, I would donate all of my organs. As you may or may not know, my funeral plans are very specific. Which is odd, since I don't ever plan on needing a funeral, but my plans are so awesomely outrageous that they need to be planned whether I turn out to be immortal or not. SO here it goes....
Take out all my organs, donate them, the replace them with explosives and sew me back up. Then, I will be detonated. So yeah, take all my organs and let someone else benefit from my superior awesomeness.... HIHAHAHAHA

Perception changes, yes it does !!!

2011-07-18T15:59:00.000+05:30

I used to admire those people who could stay calm despite a hell lot of pain. But eventually they were not happy beings. They used to show they were happy from the outside. But from the inside they were still grieving. But those who cry for a while aren't bad either. Because once the tears have fallen, you get to see a real fighter the moment they start to smile again. Because life is pretty much unpredictable. We don't know what's in there for us. Time and things do not really last too. What matters the most is the people we love and care about.

You know who are the happiest people? These are the people who don't have everything they want. They just make the most of what they already have. Misery starts when we look at the 20% missing and overlooking the 80% blessings & happiness in our life. See, we all have our share of happiness and blessings. And we will get those no matter what. God will give them to us no matter what. But some get those fast and some have to wait longer to get those. And then we tend to believe that we won't be getting those. But god knows what's best for us and will give us when the time comes. We should have faith.

Life sometime gets unfair with us. We should learn to be mature and not make things more worse. There are certain things we cannot change and we should just accept them gracefully.

A Beautiful Creation

2011-07-10T23:01:00.000+05:30

Sailing away in the boat called life,

We are getting swept away with powerful winds and turbulent waters.

We might just end up in the valley never found.

P.s - Today evening I was talking to this very sweet friend of mine. We were discussing how life has been hard on us lately. And in between the conversation, this beautiful creation was made. Thanks my dear friend for your contribution.

Nothing, but mere illusions

2011-07-06T21:29:00.000+05:30

Well, today was again one of those days in the recent past when I sat back and thought how to make things better in my life. How to define or rather sketch out a clearer path for myself. I have recently realized that most things we think to be true are just plain lies and mere illusions of the mind. Its just a picture made in our head, and that too by us only. We draw according to what pleases our eyes and it need not be true always. Maybe at that point of time we might end up thinking that it is the most beautiful painting, but then again as time passes by we realize that it ain't true. We always crave for something that is not possible. Its not that I don't know the reality, but its just that I dont want to accept it. I don't know when will I learn to accept things. I have to learn to stop craving for things that are impossible. And I have to learn to face the truth and live life according to it.

Mystic Raindrops

2011-07-01T21:33:00.000+05:30

The first rains of the season is here. And as I stand on the road, the raindrops trickle down me. May be they have a story to tell. But I don't know what it is. And I certainly can't understand what the raindrops are trying to say. But I feel good. I feel as if they strum the strings of my heart. And the suddenly the famous quote strikes in my mind, "Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain". I feel happy about it.

To some rain brings pain and to some it brings joy. For some, it is a reason to celebrate and for some it is a shelter to cry. But I hope this rain brings a new hope for me and a new beginning. I hope it washes away my painful past. And as I sit to write this post, I still feel like the raindrops trickle down my body.

Well, what is Friendship?

2011-06-18T16:50:00.000+05:30

To me "It is an act". It is something we do, like a balanced relationship between people. But it is not always balanced. Sometimes we need a friend and other time it's the other way. It is a trust that's returned. If I would trust my life with you, and vice-versa, then we are FRIENDS. It’s not about whether you are trustworthy, or whether you are friendly, it’s the actual act of trust that is the basis of friendship. Often, Childhood friends are forever. Examples of such friendships are galore where a childhood friend has forsaken everything for his friend. The friendship that develops between two friends in school or through living in the same locality, often goes on to become everlasting and is never broken by any outside any force.

Now let me ask a question, Are friendships different than they were even 10 or 15 years ago?

I think they are. I think these days we are developing a smaller amount of close friendships. I think this is partly the result of reaching a certain individualistic peak as a society. We don’t rely as much on our support systems (communities, friends, parents) as much as we have in the past.

And with the social networking thing, I have heard people who I have never met say we are great friends. And then of course when I say something they don't like, I have betrayed the supposed friendship. HUhhhhh!!!!!! If I find I must be careful how I say things, then it’s something other than friendship. Of course that’s not friendship, that’s torture.

Also, social networking sites and the internet is probably not helping the close friendship thing. With these evolving technologies, we are creating a larger number of weaker connections in exchange for the stronger and closer connections that were common in the past.

So What do prefer? a few close friends? or many friends but not as close friends?

Whatever !!!!

2011-06-10T22:32:00.000+05:30

I don't feel anything today, nor yesterday. And not sure about tomorrow.

A love, a life, a loss , a fight all locked in this heart of misery.

Most days I find myself with a don't know what.

I miss my happiness, my foolishness and even my depression, my hopelessness. These days I don't write as much I used to. I struggle to write something, I just can't seem to get myself into that zone. Don't get any ideas either. May be I don't feel anything now, that's why I don't get any ideas either. Right now I feel as if nothing matters. But people say I am better now, that I am a better person now. I am not so sure. I am not convinced.And I honestly don't know.

Anticipating the edges of life....

2010-12-22T00:07:00.000+05:30

So here I am trying to grip on the writing once I loved to do. I am going through such a weird phase of my life and its funny because it doesn't feel like that I am living my own life. It is quite good believe me it is quite better than what it was but you know that darkest black fear sits in the corner of your heart and comes out in the silent moments when no one notices and lurks around me,sneering telling me I can't possibly make a safe escape from this life. Dread , anticipation it sits right next to me all the time. I need to do a lot of things and I am working on this part. I want to jump ten years from now and see what's there in store for me whether I am even here or not.

Immortal Echoes.........

2010-12-07T22:37:00.000+05:30

Well, every once in a while in my dreams,

I comprehend a scene.
A scene which is much unlike a dream,
A scene... which defeats my senses,
which captures my lonely heart,
which pulls my heart strings.
which sweeps my mind so clean.
My heart begins to race,
My will just lies asleep.
And my soul feels at peace.

I tried to figure out what it is, but still have no answer yet.
So I call them as "Immortal Echoes"

Drunken Raindrops

2010-12-02T23:41:00.000+05:30

Right now, I feel ugly. And complicated. And stuck. Also sad. I feel depressed when I cry alone. I wish there was someone around when I cried. It's okay if they have nothing to say. All they need to do is listen to what I have to say. That's all I need. When I do get that, I am so very grateful. Nowadays, I don't care so much about how people perceive my actions. How I am judged or how people look at me isn't the most important thing. People I love should know. That I care. I'm happy to be home. Because at home, I'm loved no matter what. If my hair is uncombed and frizzy. If my clothes don't match. If I am grumpy and irritable. It's one of the best feelings in the world.

Etched on the wings of change...

2010-12-02T10:30:00.001+05:30

Not everything in life turns out to be the way we want it.

Sometimes it is better we let go..

Even though it may be the most painful thing to do

To see something you nurtured,

To fall to its fate but then it is the right thing to do

No matter just how agonizing it may be

In the battle of the heart and mind,

Sometimes one must rely on the mind

For not always what the heart desires is right.

Sooner or later reality will sink in,

Then the pain of goodbyes will rip me apart.

Till then, i pray to bear it all bravely,

To have the strength to move on and never look back,

For it is the right thing to do.

Its My Birthdayyyy.......... :-)

2010-10-13T22:30:00.000+05:30

Ohh Its my birthday today.. But I had slept by twelve..

But around that time, don't remember the exact time actually, I got a call from a very very dear friend. She was the first one to wish me. It made me so so happy. Then I could sleep nicely. Thanks dear for being the first one to wish me :-)

6:30 am. 16 missed calls, 13 new messages..... That initially WAS the plan...but I didn't really think I'd be fast asleep at twelve. Thanks everyone!!

Everybody,you know how much you all mean to me... I love you all..!!...!!!!

I hope this turns out to be a good year for me after everything I have been through lately.

But I'm not as psyched as I used to be :P :D

Confused..!!!..!!

2010-09-23T23:40:00.000+05:30

I am so lonely and confused with everything that has been happening around me these days. It's been kind of tough. But why me? Even I cannot explain. My life is confusing enough for me to understand even. Laying on my bed days after days, nights after night thinking what life would be if I would no longer exist? I never thought I would have feelings like this. I don't like this pain. I sometimes wish I could die & get rid of all this pain. I wish today can be the day. But would dieing be an answer? What would my family & friends think? I cannot hurt the people I love. So I ask you..what would you do if i was gone?

Just a Thought.....

2010-09-18T21:13:00.001+05:30

I believe I am not a perfect person. And there are many things I wish I hadn't done. But still I did. But each day is a lesson. Each day I am learning. I am sorry to all of them whom I have hurt. Maybe sorry won't be enough. I guess it's something I must live with everyday. I wish that I could take all the pain away that I have put people through. Someday we all will be gone. Will I ever get to see the ending to my story? When and how will I know? How much longer until I finally know the answers? Still strolling in the darkness to find all the answers. I just can't see what's in front of me..

Life... renewed..reloaded

2010-08-29T21:39:00.000+05:30

People say I lied to you
but I know I never lied to you...

People say I am selfish
but i know I was willing to give everything to you...

People say my head is in the air...
I say its still with my neck

People say I dont care
I know you have the answer to this...

People say I can never love anyone
I know I can..and I did..

People say I am a hypocrite
I know I always loved everyone...

People say I can harm
I know I can harm any fucker who tries to make u sad...
and I will slay the one who tries to trick you....
who turns your smile into a frown....

People say I am secretive
I know and I dont want to show them my pain..

People say I am a victim of desire
I know my desire was to see everyone happy...so i m a victim

People say I just used you
But you know how much I loved you...

People say I am heartless
I wish they knew I had one...

People say I can never ever love anyone again
And people are right this time...

I am happy that atlast people understood me.

P.S- Read my earlier post here LIFE

A kiss in the rain....

2010-08-26T23:47:00.000+05:30

We stepped out into the street. It’s such a magical time, like sunset on the ocean and we move in slow motion. I move in close, with my hands on her waist. I take it slow, no rush, no haste.

The rain slowly falls and the full moon shines. She slides her arms around my neck, and says “your mine”. The rain picks up and it soaks our hair. But our eyes are focused. I whisper in her ear, "I love you my dear".... She smiles at me, with joy and bliss.My lips meet hers, and in the rain we kiss. The rain glides through the air and I hold her tight. It’s like the angels are crying, such a beautiful sight. I would die to have this moment again. Her tongue touches mine and its ecstasy. A kiss in the rain sets my emotions free. She pulls my lower lip and it takes its toll

My whole body tingles, like I’ve lost control. As the rain falls down I just can’t believe,

That I need her to move, to think, to breathe.I take a step back and I look in her eyes. She tells me she loves me and my heart just flies. If you believe perfection simply isn’t real

Kiss your love in the rain, and I promise you’ll feel....

Just a quote straight from the heart.....

2010-08-23T17:34:00.000+05:30

When 2 people in love get separated...
They can't be friends because they hurt each other..
They can't be enemies because they once loved each other..
The only thing they can be are most familiar strangers...Its true..ain't it?

Another Sleepless Night....

2010-08-01T16:37:00.000+05:30

Its 4 am now. Just had a rough night today, could not sleep. Terrible thoughts keep coming up. And then there are these memories. Memories sometimes behave in a crazy way. When you are in a crowd they don't come to you but when you are alone they stand by you like a crowd. Nights have become too difficult for me. Its the only time I fear very much. I am not so strong to fight with these memories that keep coming back to me. The things we did, the things we said to each other keep coming back to me. She showed me how to face life, face the truth. She's been my inspiration. she's been the essence of my life. Things will never be the same again with me. The night is long and I need her touch. Don't know what to say, I never meant to feel this way. Dont want to be alone either. I have loved like I can never love again. Though now the distance between us seems to be too far. It will never separate us from deep inside. I know this for sure she will be in my life forever. Now I walk alone. But still the love she has given me, the grace she has shown gives me strength.......

I miss you........

2010-06-11T11:59:00.000+05:30

I miss you too much,
It scares me so...
I miss you very much,
You will never know..
I miss you so much,
It causes me pain..
I miss you so badly,
It makes me insane..
I miss you,
With you I want to be..
Will it all be for not?
Will I soon be forgotten?? Or already forgotten? I question myself...

What Should I do?

2010-04-21T10:25:00.001+05:30

Thoughts like this go through my mind day and night, everytime. I dont know what to do. I cant get out of them or rather I don't want to. Though it gives me a hell lot of pain but at the same time it gives me happiness that in my thoughts there is you. But I am scared. I am really scared of what will happen. What's going to happen. I am scared of not being loved and accepted.

There are people who don't know me well enough but judge me. And then there are people also who know me well enough but judge me wrong. They judge me on the basis of what I look like or what I speak like rather than what I am as a person. I want to be good..just that's it. I dont want anything else. They think I cant stand up to there expectations. And for all this one person has to listen a lot of things from them. And it kills me. Really it does. I feel as if I dont belong to this world anymore.

I don't have anyone whom I can turn to. No one to understand me. What should I do?

.....Waiting

2010-04-18T15:47:00.000+05:30

I crushed out the cigarette in my ashtray, exhaling one final puff of smoke. My watch told me its 3 am in the early morning. Had a glance at the ashtray I saw around 10 cancer sticks. They say each one takes 5 minutes off your life. I figured out I just lost 50 minutes waiting for her call or a text. I was missing her so much. Go on keep making me wait, I will just smile and let you decide my fate.

A walk in the streets........

2010-03-29T05:19:00.000+05:30

Its 5am and I could not sleep this night. Went out for a walk in the streets and came back now. I feel I am at the crossroads. When I look to my left I see a dull road fading away into the dark. When I look to my right I see a road with cracks so vast and deep that I am afraid I might fall into one of them. When I look behind me I see so much regret. I ask myself why did I do this? Why did I committed too many mistakes that I have to see this day today? Random thoughts keep coming to my mind. Thoughts which I cant comprehend. My mind is in chaos. Sometimes I even fail to understand myself. Sometimes I feel like hurting myself wondering how it would be to see myself bleed and die.

Could there be a better peom?

2009-05-07T12:15:00.000+05:30

A peom begins in my heart,
and slowly travels to my lips....
I sit for so long,
with just your name on this paper....
Your name....
Just your name exist...

Could there be a better peom?

I think I have found my life

2009-05-07T12:08:00.001+05:30

I think I have found my life, its like a sunshine after the rain.
The faith that I now have in us, is slowly easing all the pain.

The words you say always heals me, it makes me feel we are meant to be.
The feelings that I have for you, I promise it will never wane.

I hope, I wish, I now have dreams
I am no more the man I used to be.

You complete me, you make me whole
You love intoxicates my soul.

I will be whatever you want me to be

2009-05-07T11:54:00.000+05:30

Tell me your darkest secrets and tell me all your fantasies.
Its wasn't too hard for me to tell you, the thoughts hidden in my mind.
Don't fear opening up to me, I' ll be whatever you want me to be.

Don't leave room for doubt again, why would you when all this is right.
Reach out to me and give me all your pain, through the darkness I' ll be your light.

For you my heart has an open door, come in and claim the love amassed.
I can't change who I was before, and I sure cannot undo my past.
But I can be the change you want to see, I' ll be whatever you want me to be.

I know sometimes its hard to cope, and sometimes things just fall apart.
But I believe in us, I have hope. I have been this way from the start
Don't be still stuck on "may be", I' ll be whatever you want me to be.

Trust in me and let yourself go, I promise I' ll hold you all the way.
Let me touch you and you' ll know, I really mean all the things I say.
I' ll never ever let you be sorry, I' ll be whatever you want me to be.

Love

2008-08-10T21:56:00.000+05:30

I have a pen, the pen is red.
I have a love, the love is you.
The pen is broken now, the ink was dry.
But my love for you will never ever die.

Straight from my heart...

2008-08-06T14:20:00.000+05:30

Dont close your eyes, I am afraid of the dark.
Dont give up on me, I know I can still love.
You want to go now, But I will be ready for the day you return.
But... Will you remember who I used to be?
Will you be worried when I become ill?
Will you cry when I will die?
Don’t pretend you dont care.
Don’t pretend you dont love me anymore.
You still possess me.
Then why do you lie to yourself?
We dont belong this way.
Remember what we are and imagine what we could have been.
Loneliness never felt so bad before.
Am I not good enough for you?
I can feel that you still think about me.
Turn back.. I wont let you get lost this time.
It pains me but I will endure it.
Because you are worth it honey.
I will learn to wait even if it takes a lifetime.
Till then dont close your eyes on me.
I am still afraid of dark.

I just cant...

2008-07-05T22:26:00.000+05:30

You always tell me to let go,
but I can't help but hold on.
It's really tough convincing myself,
Telling my heart that you will be gone.
Telling myself I'm going to stop,
But I think of you all day long,
I don't think it's my fault,
The memories will cling on.
When there's a heartbreak,
After sometimes there's hope,
The little wish still flutters around,
Because love never stops.
So I will hold on forever...

.........Screaming

2008-07-05T22:18:00.000+05:30

I want to leave this world.
I want to close my eyes.
And fall asleep to stop myheart from beating.
I don’t want to hear anything.
I don’t want to see my face.
I don’t want anything.
I want to block the world to stop the pain
in my heart.
Ohh my god.. My head is spining & I am in a daze..
What will I do?? Please help me God..

If I could....

2008-06-28T21:00:00.000+05:30

If I could have just one wish...
I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck,
The warmth of your lips on my cheek,
The touch of your fingers on my skin,
And.. the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Because I know...
I would never find that feeling with anyone other than you...

Heaven in your eyes

2008-06-08T12:54:00.000+05:30

The very first time that I looked into your eyes
I found my inspiration
through your expression
You will always be here inside of my heart
No matter what happens
It dosen't matter if it's wrong or right
You can count on my love
And I know this time you will understand
Nothing and no one can tear us apart
Because I see....
Heaven in your eyes

Still...

2008-06-06T14:10:00.000+05:30

I never wanna be without you
So don't leave me
You must have thought I was selfish
But everything I did I did for you
I can't eat or even sleep
Till I have you
Back inside my world
My life wont be complete
Without you
Because
I will never find some one like you
I wanna be loved by you baby

Sometimes...

2008-06-06T13:15:00.000+05:30

Life

2008-06-05T20:04:00.000+05:30

People say I lie,
but I know I never lied to you...

People say I am selfish
but I know I have given my everything to you...

People say I dont care
I Know you have the answer to this...

People say I can never love anyone
I know I can...and I do...

People say I have changed,
I know I haven't...the perception has...